owen pees like a real man…
… you read that right. the little man took his first standing leak this week. you see, owen has started to notice that dad pees standing up. for the past couple of weeks he’s been fascinated with my morning piss. imagine waking up with a brick pressing down on your bladder… it’s something like that. so, it tends to be a glorious occasion. it’s been a bit of a ritual for he and i. i wake up, ask him if he wants to see me go pee, he gets all excited and beats me to the bathroom door.
when he needs to go though, he generally runs over to the bathroom door and then bangs on it with his palm until someone pays enough attention to get him undressed and settled on the toilet. one day last week, owen is sitting there, banging on the door, with that pained look that tycho brahe must have had right before his bladder burst — eyes all scrunched, almost, almost, doing the pee-pee dance.
being the attentive one in the relationship, kara gets to him in time and gets him undressed to get settled on our self-proclaimed awesomest toilet ever (which owen will, incidentally, yell that it’s “awt!”). so, there he is, buck naked, nearly doing the pee-pee dance and kara is trying to get him to sit on the damn toilet insert so he doesn’t pee all over himself (and her.)
being the advanced little bugger that he is, owen decides (by virtue of his never-ending squirming on the seat) that he is going to take one #1 standing up. since kara can’t settle him on the insert — perhaps his not-so-passive way of making his “i’m growing up faster than you want” point — she asks him:
“do you want to pee pee like papa?”
and, i wish i had video — because owen has the most methodical and exaggerated head-nod. imagine one of those cheesy dashboard hula-chicks, and that’s roughly the head-motion he’ll take when nodding.
so she stands him on his little stool in front of the toilet, wedging him a bit in between he wall (so he doesn’t fall backwards) and kara, in her unbelievable naivety, tries to help the little man aim his junk. no man, no matter how young, wants anyone other than himself guiding the junk right before taking a piss. it’s just so… unnatural. even worse if it’s your mom. so, he, and i’m not making this up, slaps kara’s hand out of the way, as if to say, “back off, i got this…”
and he then, not capable of recognizing his evidently super-human strength proceeds to piss all over the bathroom. the mirror, cabinet, sink. from what i understand, i think he even hit the tub.
i’m so proud. he hit the mirror.
and, when finished, he steps off his little stool and struts out of the bathroom, satisfied with the job complete. kara had to then clean up after him. but it’s pretty much worth it.
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